The Business of Government

These are heady times for the thingamajig industry.

A new day is dawning for thingamajigs, gadgets which we didn’t know we couldn’t get along without until we had some, at which time everyone needed at least one.

The industry’s lobbyists are finding a much more receptive Congress these days, and no wonder: The industry worked overtime to manufacture campaign contributions to help elect candidates sympathetic to the thingamajig cause.

Tax cuts, for instance, are at the top of the congressional agenda. Tax cuts will give you, the consuming public, more money to buy more thingamajigs, even if you are under the mistaken belief that you don’t need any more. This will spur production, allowing product expansion, which means more great jobs at factories throughout Malaysia.

And increased production will enable the thingamajig industry to raise prices while cutting costs, thereby enhancing the bottom line and pleasing the shareholders. Profits can then be poured back into thingamajig research and development – researching ways to better influence the government and to develop new candidates for public office. Without this continued support of basic research and development, there’s no guarantee that the free enterprise system will get a fair shake from the government.

It was undue government intrusion in the marketplace, you may recall, that caused thingamajig profits to go south and its factories to Asia in the first place. Just because thingamajig manufacturing produces unfortunate byproducts – muck and gunk, in particular – does not mean that people can’t adapt to unnecessary evils. How much clean air and water can a body need, anyway?

Now, with a more business-friendly government in place, look for free enterprise to be stimulated with bulk government purchases of thingamajigs. Why, billions of thingamajigs are needed just for national defense; naturally, they will need to be modified with special and exorbitantly priced doohickeys to meet rigid Pentagon purchasing standards, but how can you put a price on peace and security?

A more open marketplace would also be created if the government would stifle competition from foreign thingamajig manufacturers, who have dominated the market in recent years by selling better products at a lower cost – all in all, a pretty sneaky and underhanded, not to mention un-American, way of capturing market share. All we need to do is to throw up a few trade barriers and slap on a couple of tariffs, and the thingamajig playing field will be leveled.

And it wouldn’t hurt for the government, while it is at it, to subsidize domestic thingamajig operations with some special tax breaks and other incentives. This would only be fair, a little quid pro quo (Latin for “greasing the wheels”) for all the many contributions made to America and its politicians by the thingamajig industry over the years.

In this way, the nation can march into a new era confident in the knowledge that it is the world leader in thingamajigs. All this success will mean that nobody, but nobody, will be able to touch our thingamajigs.

Although, of course, it will leave you, the consuming taxpayer, holding the whatchamacallit.

What Politicians Really Mean

Many people have trouble following along any time there is an election looming, what with having to figure out which candidate they’re supposed to support and what the issues are while trying not to miss “Wheel of Fortune” every night.

Too, many people consider elections and the whole political process boring because they find them arcane and mystifying. The problem for many people is that they simply don’t understand the language of politics; it’s as if they were listening to a bunch of aliens from another planet babbling on about their own peculiar issues light years removed from real, down-to-earth problems – a suspicion, by the way, that scientific studies have not entirely ruled out.

So, to help you, the average voter, understand the politicians a bit better, herewith is a guide to political talk, complete with the standard political code phrase and what the politician really means.

“I understand ordinary Americans’ everyday problems because I’m one of you.” – By “ordinary” I of course mean “ordinary rich white males who I see almost every day at my country club; you know, they one you can’t afford to join.”

“I represent working Americans.” – I, personally, have never actually worked a day in my life, unless you count all the times I’ve elbowed my way up to the public trough.

“I never pay attention to polls.” – Rats. The numbers are way down.

“Public opinion is on my side.” – Hey, you blind, babbling bozos in the media, just look at the polls; I’m the front-runner.

“There’s no place for negative campaigning in this race.” – You know, folks, I’m too much of a gentleman to mention the fact that my opponent, the former member of the Communist Party, is a dope fiend who has had numerous affairs since that sex change operation a few years ago, but rest assured that my trusted aide here, who is a scoundrel, has no qualms about leaking that information to the media.

“Character should be an issue in a campaign such as this; it tells us what kind of person we are electing.” – Have you talked to my aide yet?

“We must put America back to work.” – Elect me so I will have a job.

“We must restore family values that have been lost in this country.” – My girlfriend left me when I wouldn’t divorce my wife.

“Health care must be accessible to all Americans.” – Thank goodness Americans are paying for this really nice government health insurance plan.

“We cannot tolerate drugs in our society.” – Make mine a double.

“We can support public education best by helping our teachers in the classroom.” – My kids go to private school.

“We must take care of the nation’s senior citizens.” – Boy, am I glad I’ve got a government pension coming to me.

“We need to address the high cost of prescription drugs and come up with a plan to make them more affordable.” – My plan is to give the electorate free Prozac to keep ‘em from caring what we do with their tax money.

“A healthy environment is a legacy we must leave to our children.” – Oil spills, toxic waste, acid rain and dirty air are the price of progress. Besides, I’ve got all the environment I need right there on my country estate.

“Special interests are controlling the campaign, pumping millions of dollars into the race, resulting in a playing field that is anything but level.” – Dammit, my opponent has raised more money than me.

“This campaign will not be played out on the television screen.” – Dammit, my opponent has raised a heck of a lot more money than me.

“We must curb wasteful government spending and restore a sense of fiscal responsibility to the process.” – You say you want that highway coming into town widened?

“Trade with foreign nations must be conducted on a fair and equitable basis. If elected, I promise you that I will be tough and unyielding in negotiations with other countries.” – Hot dog! If I’m elected, I get paid vacations to foreign countries where they’ll treat me like a king.

“National security is the most important issue facing us at this time.” – A cushy job consulting for the Pentagon doesn’t grow on trees, you know.

“Peace and prosperity come with a price.” – The Pentagon will let me drive a tank if I give them a bunch of money for all the cool stuff they want.

“I will not raise taxes.” – Promises are made to be broken.

“If elected, I promise you’ll be better off four years from now.” – They say you can fool most of the people some of the time.