Welcome To The Real World, Graduates

What an honor it is to be here today to address you, the latest high school graduating class.

As you know, you represent America’s future, and what a bright one it is. You are the products of the finest public education system the country can offer, the result of billions and billions of dollars that have been invested in teaching you how to be mature, responsible, contributing citizens.

Of course, you are graduating with what passes for a sixth-grade education in the rest of the civilized world, but no matter. Ignorance, as they say, is bliss.

No, seriously, you have received what will go down as the best education in the history of this great country of ours. Never before have such vast resources been available to students. Never before have such vast amounts of information been available at your fingertips. You are educated like no other class as ever been educated.

Furthermore, no future students will ever be as educated as you are today. Why? Because we’re broke.

As you make your way out into the real world or tax payments and audits, you will see that this country can’t afford everything. You will see that just because your government prints money, it doesn’t mean it has an endless supply of it. You will see the need to cut back on certain non-essentials so that we can continue to help those people who need help the most.

I am referring, naturally, to the captains of American industry, who in addition to facing rising country club fees, increasing luxury car prices, and skyrocketing mansion costs, are struggling against prevailing market forces to provide jobs and strengthen the economy.

This is no easy task. They are having to do this not in the comfort of their hometowns, but in far-off places such as Malaysia and South America, and the costs of moving factories there are enormous.

So you can understand that the government, which as you might recall from civics class represents you, the people, can no longer afford to foot the bill for a state-of-the-art education system, particularly one that is churning out so many future welfare recipients.

That’s why Congress is cutting back on the money your school will be getting – and that should make you proud since you will be the best and brightest America has to offer for generations to come.

To give you an idea of how fortunate you are, future students will not learn, for instance, all 26 letters of the alphabet. Congress feels that 20 is plenty; who needs all those Q’s and X’s anyhow?

No more need, also, for trigonometry and algebra; you suspected all along that you would never use that math in daily life, didn’t you? And you were right. Congress obviously doesn’t need to make its numbers come out right, so why should you?

As for geometry, well, we certainly all need to know about shapes and figures. But we have to put limits on things, and so it is with geometry. Future students will learn about triangles and rectangles, but who needs to know about hexagons and octagons and all the rest? So lessons of tomorrow will stop at the pentagon.

Foreign languages are a luxury that we no longer need to teach; let the foreigners learn English if they want to communicate with us. Too much money is now spent on old books, as well, so literature studies will be phased out. If you want to read a book, why, the public libraries are full of them.

History will be a thing of the past – I see some happy faces out there at that news – because it’s all old news anyway.

Lest you think we will be ignoring the technological revolution, allow me to fill you in on the great plans for the classroom of tomorrow. You may not be aware of it, but the single greatest expense in education is payroll. It’s just like business in that sense. Why, the sky’s the limit for what could be taught if money didn’t have to be spent on personnel.

Soon, however, those costs will be greatly reduced. That’s right, we just can’t afford the quaint notion of a real, live teacher in every classroom. It’s simply far too labor-intensive in this high-tech age.

Eventually, teachers will be replaced by computers and television, with instructors teaching students through special video and computer programs. The potential is awesome: standardized curriculum, equal education opportunities, and innovative new teaching methods.

And how will order and decorum be maintained in the classroom, you parents out there may ask? Simple. The students’ seats will be wired to give them mild electric shocks if they disrupt the classroom.

Naturally, since local control of schools is of vital importance, each school system will have complete responsibility for buying all the equipment.

Another concern is school safety. How will we keep our schools free of violence without any teachers, you might ask? Again, the answer is simple. Two words: attack dogs. Need I say more?

So there you have it. Schools of tomorrow will be lean and fat-free. As will school lunches, I might add, since they no longer will be affordable to the average student.

So in conclusion, graduates, be proud of what you have learned these last few years and go forth into the real world with heads high, chins up, and your best foot forward. It’s an exciting time out there, and opportunities abound. Life is what you make of it. You leave this school today as the nation’s hope for a better future, so work hard to make a better life for yourselves and for others.

And on a personal note, I would advise you, if you’re smart, to get into government work. There is a great need for highly skilled people who want to devote their lives selflessly to the noble cause of reducing the size of government. You might say it’s a real growth industry.

Welfare Barons

So the U.S. Department of Agriculture is going to allow ranchers to graze their cattle on environmentally sensitive land to help them out with the soaring costs of feed (here). No word on whether the agreement will require ranchers to stop voting for Republicans and quit whining about government handouts to the poor.

The Daily Gripe

What’s with those scales we use to weigh ourselves? One day I weighed myself on three different scales; the first one said I weighed 183 pounds, the second said 192, and the third said 177. Hey, c’mon, that’s a range of 15 POUNDS! (For the record, the third scale obviously was the most accurate.) What’s that all about, anyway? Don’t they have any regulations in the scale industry? Shouldn’t they be required to put signs on their products: “Accurate to within 15 pounds”? Where’s the federal Bureau of Standards when you need them to standardize these things? We spend gazillions of dollars each year on diet books and weight-loss plans, but we can’t seem to manufacture accurate scales to find out how much we might have lost? I say what’s the point of dieting if I can lose 15 pounds just by jumping off one set of scales and onto another.

The Daily Gripe

Why is it that driver’s tests ask such irrelevant questions as “If you are traveling at 55 mph on a two-lane highway and you see an intersection up ahead, when do you begin applying the brake: a) 10 yards away, b) 50 yards away, c) 100 yards away, or d) 500 yards away? My answer is, how the heck do I know how far a hundred yards is? Besides, I wouldn’t be traveling anywhere near as slow as 55 mph, I wouldn’t touch the brake if nobody was near the intersection, and I sure wouldn’t be stupid enough to tell the driver’s license people any of that so I would say e) I would be standing on the brakes as soon as I saw an intersection, even if I was looking through a telescope.

Anyway, my point here is they need to start making people know the real rules about driving instead of that hypothetical crap before they start passing out licenses. Such as: What is that stick on the steering wheel for? Have you ever noticed it before, bozo? If you recognize it as a turn signal, when do you use it: a) never, it’s merely there as a decorative device, b) only when I have come to a complete stop and am pondering whether or not I wish to make a turn, c) I kind of snag it as I’m turning the wheel so as to give the driver behind me as little warning as possible, or d) at some point before I actually make the turn?

Speaking of driving, it seems to me that they could do better in driver’s education than to teach people how to drive 15 mph under the speed limit. Why don’t they teach these kids how to drive a stick shift rather than an automatic, so that later in life when they buy a sports car they’ll actually know what gears are? And the driving test should more accurately reflect real-life driving conditions, so it should consist of seeing if you can drive with a jumbo-sized drink cup between your legs, one hand fumbling for a tune on your Ipod, a Big Mac with large fries on the dash, and a cell phone stuck to your ear.

Pumped Up

Gas prices keep going up and up, and all the government can do is tell us that we have to set up oil drills in wildlife refuges - but that’s OK because animals actually like oil drills. While that debate goes on, I wonder why we’re still using gas in the first place. Is there some reason that here in the 21^st century our primary modes of transportation are based on 19^th century technology? Surely it’s time we found something more efficient than the internal combustion engine. I’m thinking personal, miniature blimps here.

The Daily Gripe

What is it with places of business that have a set of double doors in which only one door actually opens? Is it really that much trouble to unlock the other door? Or is this part of a capitalist plot to provide ongoing entertainment for employees by allowing them to watch customers either yank futilely on the handle or smash into the door trying to push it open? Instead of locking half their doors, storeowners should rush out and open them for their customers.

And have you noticed how almost all modern buildings are sealed tight? Oh, they have windows, but only to look out of. You can’t open them with a crowbar and a sledgehammer. So forget about breathing any real air; instead, you suck in lungfuls of recycled air. On gorgeous spring or fall days when the temperature is just right outside, you sit inside either freezing from air conditioning or cooking from the heated recycled stuff. There’s no in-between. It’s no wonder we have energy problems.