Drill, baby, drill

Exxon Mobil Corp. reported a profit of $45.2 billion for 2008, breaking its own record for an American company.

Ah, yes, that's when all those free-market liberals deregulated Wall Street

Republican Rep. Virginia Foxx of North Carolina said that former President George Bush's tax cuts in 2001 created years of economic growth but the country's problems began when Democrats regained majorities in Congress in 2006.

In other news, the sky is blue and the ocean is wet

USA Today ran a story about the Super Bowl that said for some players, it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, other players never get to play in it, and some players get to play in the big game several times.

However, we'll still treat you for "fiddle chin" and "harmonica mouth"

A British doctor admitted that "cello scrotum," an ailment allegedly suffered by musicians, does not exist and that she has been maintaining the hoax for more than 30 years.

Wouldn't, like, a bird have been a better choice?

Nigerian police are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery after vigilantes said the animal was a robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape.

Just look at our record on the economy

House Republican leaders rallied the rank and file to oppose President Obama's economic stimulus plan because they say it contained too much wasteful spending and didn't include enough tax cuts.

On second thought, I'll pass on the box lunch

Scientists are working to develop alternative fuels to power jets from such sources as the fatty parts of chickens left after processing, pond scum, and a plant nicknamed "black vomit nut."

After all, how much is a life worth?

Some of the passengers of the airplane that crash landed in the Hudson River say they appreciate the $5,000 that the airline has offered, but say it's not enough because of the emotional stress they suffered.

Other than you are a human being, I don't see the similarity

With his impeachment trial set to begin, Illinois Gov. Rod Bagojevich hit the TV circuit and cast himself as an embattled hero in the mold of Gandhi, Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King Jr.

You know, 8 miles per gallon isn't really all that bad

Americans are back to buying big cars again now that gas prices have dropped.