Greetings

"Did you find everything you needed, sir?"
"Why, yes, I did, thank you. I just needed this birthday card."
"Very good, sir."
"It's for my brother-in-law. Do you really think it's appropriate to get cards for your in-laws?"
"Oh, absolutely. We have a whole section for in-law cards."
"Yes, I saw. Right next to all those cards that play music when you open them."
"Why, yes. Those are very popular."
"I guessed. The woman next to me was opening every single one."
"How delightful!"
"Well, delightful is not the word I would use after she opened the 50th card. By the way, I couldn't help but notice that you have a whole rack of Halloween cards. What's up with that?"
"Why, Halloween is considered by many people to be a major holiday. What better way to celebrate a major holiday than with a greeting card?"
"But Halloween? I mean, what do the cards say? BOO!?"
"Well, some of them say cute things like 'Witching you a happy Halloween!' or 'Ghostly greetings'."
"And who would want to get a card on Halloween?"
"Why, children love cards, you know."
"Only if there's money in them."
"Well, see, you could put candy in them!"
"I'm sorry, I just don't see the point of Halloween cards."
"That's quite all right, sir. By the way, did you know that Grandparent's Day is just around the corner?"
"Grandparent's Day? They have their own day now?"
"Oh, yes, sir. Wouldn't you like to get them some cards?"
"Um, all my grandparents are dead."
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Perhaps you'd like to see our sympathy cards?"

Gee, didn't that happen to the first two cars in Kansas?

An American and a Russian satellite collided in orbit.

What's the bad news?

Critics of President Obama's decision to limit executive pay at Wall Street firms bailed out by the government to $500,000 a year say it could lead to a brain drain at such firms.

You mean governing a few people in the wilderness?

A new poll reports that 55 percent of Republicans think the party should become more like Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

Drill, baby, drill

Exxon Mobil Corp. reported a profit of $45.2 billion for 2008, breaking its own record for an American company.

Ah, yes, that's when all those free-market liberals deregulated Wall Street

Republican Rep. Virginia Foxx of North Carolina said that former President George Bush's tax cuts in 2001 created years of economic growth but the country's problems began when Democrats regained majorities in Congress in 2006.

In other news, the sky is blue and the ocean is wet

USA Today ran a story about the Super Bowl that said for some players, it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, other players never get to play in it, and some players get to play in the big game several times.

However, we'll still treat you for "fiddle chin" and "harmonica mouth"

A British doctor admitted that "cello scrotum," an ailment allegedly suffered by musicians, does not exist and that she has been maintaining the hoax for more than 30 years.

Wouldn't, like, a bird have been a better choice?

Nigerian police are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery after vigilantes said the animal was a robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape.

Just look at our record on the economy

House Republican leaders rallied the rank and file to oppose President Obama's economic stimulus plan because they say it contained too much wasteful spending and didn't include enough tax cuts.

On second thought, I'll pass on the box lunch

Scientists are working to develop alternative fuels to power jets from such sources as the fatty parts of chickens left after processing, pond scum, and a plant nicknamed "black vomit nut."

After all, how much is a life worth?

Some of the passengers of the airplane that crash landed in the Hudson River say they appreciate the $5,000 that the airline has offered, but say it's not enough because of the emotional stress they suffered.

Other than you are a human being, I don't see the similarity

With his impeachment trial set to begin, Illinois Gov. Rod Bagojevich hit the TV circuit and cast himself as an embattled hero in the mold of Gandhi, Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King Jr.

You know, 8 miles per gallon isn't really all that bad

Americans are back to buying big cars again now that gas prices have dropped.